Jokes for Atheists

[Jeb]

Feel free to post whatever jokes you might of seen or heard.
One to start you off-

A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

[Alnog]

An Atheist walks into a bar.
God kills him.

[Cancerfish]

Look there's god!
aw, you just missed him!

[Metellus]

 A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

( I definitely snitched this from another website, but I like it. )

[trdconsult]

Wait, wait, wait!  Can someone please explain to me how every single one of these jokes (and I use that term very loosely with some) references God?  Two actually require the existence of God!

Now, don't get me wrong, at least one of these was really funny (and one was a complete waste of electrons), but shouldn't a requirement of the genre be that they don't reference God in any way, or at least don't require God to exist?

[Jeb]

No... This topic will not become a large debate. Just jokes please.

[maiforpeace]

I took this off a site too - but I liked the fairy tale in the fairy tale...

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

 

[Alnog]

No, trd. 'Jokes for Atheists' means that these jokes are supposed to entertain Atheists specifically. If we were to give jokes unrelated to religion in any way, then they would not be 'Jokes for Atheists'. Instead, they would be jokes for everyone. (Or whoever found the topic of the joke funny.) Since Atheists are people who lack the belief in a god, it is only right that the jokes have something to do with a god, or the lack of one.

I hope you were joking when you made that post. Because if you weren't, then you are an idiot. Applying your logic to blonde jokes (Which we will assume are bashing blondes [Jokingly]), we can assume that if you are going to use blondes as the main source of humor, then you have no right to include blondes in your actual joke.

If you are going to say that it is because we don't BELIEVE in a god, then that is stupid, too. I have heard comedians make jokes about aliens, bigfoot, the loch ness monster, ect. For me, the whole reason that some of these jokes are funny is 1: God does not exist, and 2: Millions of idiots believe he does.

So STFU and GTFO. I am tired of your shit. Were you just trying to start a fight?


Come back and tell me that your post was a joke and not a truck load of ignorance, and I will delete this post.

[trdconsult]

No, trd. 'Jokes for Atheists' means that these jokes are supposed to entertain Atheists specifically. If we were to give jokes unrelated to religion in any way, then they would not be 'Jokes for Atheists'. Instead, they would be jokes for everyone. (Or whoever found the topic of the joke funny.) Since Atheists are people who lack the belief in a god, it is only right that the jokes have something to do with a god, or the lack of one.

I hope you were joking when you made that post. Because if you weren't, then you are an idiot. Applying your logic to blonde jokes (Which we will assume are bashing blondes [Jokingly]), we can assume that if you are going to use blondes as the main source of humor, then you have no right to include blondes in your actual joke.

If you are going to say that it is because we don't BELIEVE in a god, then that is stupid, too. I have heard comedians make jokes about aliens, bigfoot, the loch ness monster, ect. For me, the whole reason that some of these jokes are funny is 1: God does not exist, and 2: Millions of idiots believe he does.

So STFU and GTFO. I am tired of your shit. Were you just trying to start a fight?


Come back and tell me that your post was a joke and not a truck load of ignorance, and I will delete this post.

Why are you so angry with me?  That is becoming funny in and of itself.  My very existence seems to get you to a boiling point.  I had been troubled by that, but I've realized that that is a YP not an MP.  And since seeing you jump up and down like a howler monkey on crack in self-righteous indignation has become humorous to me, I think I'll continue to post just the same.

Though it is nice to know that you can't be taken at your word either.  Weren't you leaving?

______________

So take this joke for example.  It's old, and everyone should have heard it.

Jesus Christ and Moses are out for a round of golf at The Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters.  They come up to the 16th hole - Redbud - which is played completely over water.

Jesus says to Moses "Last year, I saw Tiger Woods hit his ball within three feet of the cup with a seven-iron."  So Jesus pulls out his seven-iron, and promptly hits the ball right into the water.

"Moses, can you help a guy out," asks Jesus.  So Moses goes over to the pond, parts the water, and retrieves Jesus' ball.

Jesus tees the ball up.  "Last year, into a strong head-wind, I saw Tiger use a six-iron to reach the green."  So Jesus switches clubs to the six-iron and promptly hits the ball into the water. 

"Moses, can you help a guy out," Jesus asks again.  So again, Moses goes over to the pond, parts the water, and retrieves Jesus' ball.

Jesus tees the ball up again.  "Last year, into a strong head-wind, and the hole cut all the way at the back of the green, I saw Tiger just miss a hole-in-one with a five-iron."  So Jesus switches to the five-iron, and promptly puts the ball in the water.

"Moses, can you help a guy out," Jesus asks again.

"No, I'm done chasing your ball.  If you can't keep the ball out of the water, you can chase it yourself."

So Jesus walks over to the pond, and starts to walk on the water to where his ball landed.  He's standing over the spot, poking his club into the water trying to find the ball.  About that moment, the next group comes up to tee-box where Moses is still standing, and they see Jesus standing on top of the water.

Startled by the sight, they ask "Wow, who does that guy think he is?  Jesus Christ?"

Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

_____________________

My question to you - is this a joke for Atheists?  Because it has been used in thousands of sermons over the years.  But it wouldn't seem to be different from some of the other jokes.

[Jeb]

STOP!

seriously...

[Alnog]

trd... I am tired of your ignorance. You have said that I act self-righteous. I see the same of you. Your 'very existence' does not anger me. Your stupidity does, however. It seems cancerfish supports your stupidity. That makes me not respect him. Does he care? I don't know. Do I care? Not really. I am tired of you shit. You are a fucking moron. At this point: I could not care less what you think about me.

About your argument over the jokes: Once again, you have shown your lack of intelligence. At first you assumed that because these jokes were centered around God, that they were not interesting for Atheists. Everyone has a their own sense of humor. What they find funny may be totally different than when another person finds funny. The whole point of including God in these jokes was to give the ability to label them for Atheists. Atheists, by definition, are people who lack the belief in a god.

Whatever... I see no need in the continuation of this argument. You are a fool. I am going to take Jeb's suggestion and follow it. If you still cannot see the faults in your pointless arguments, then I see no hope for you.

[Metellus]

It would be my opinion that an atheist joke could be a joke that either pokes fun at religion, highlights some problems with creationism, or perhaps just doesn't have mention of a god in it at all. (Although, that last category would then encompass millions and millions of jokes that could then be described as 'atheist jokes' against their will)

I think the term should mean whatever each of us wants it to mean.

I also think that if this thread remains a partial debate, each post should still have a joke in it, just so we don't ruin it. So, here's another:

----

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! "You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf." "I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."

----

[maiforpeace]

Call me a dirty old lady,  but I like this one:
(If I offended any men, I apologize in advance)

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."

''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

[Jeb]

Ouch... Here's a good one.
Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1:  "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor:  "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1:  "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor:  "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor:  "Let me give you and example.  I see you have a dog house out
     back.  By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1:  "That is right"
New Neighbor:  "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that
     you have a family."
Neighbor 1:  "Right again"
New Neighbor:  "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1:  "Correct"
New Neighbor:  "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
     heterosexual"
Neighbor 1:  "Yup"
New Neighbor:  "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1:  "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1:  "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2:  "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1:  "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2:  "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1:  "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1:  "Let me give you an example.  Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2:  "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

[trdconsult]

It would be my opinion that an atheist joke could be a joke that either pokes fun at religion, highlights some problems with creationism, or perhaps just doesn't have mention of a god in it at all. (Although, that last category would then encompass millions and millions of jokes that could then be described as 'atheist jokes' against their will)

Ok, but let me ask the question in reverse, what would a Christian joke be?  Something that pokes fun at Atheism?  For my part,

Here is another example of a joke that could be considered anti-religious, or at least anti-evangelical, moral majority, conservative coalition, Republican.

It's a bit dated, but it is fresh in my mind as it is part of my message on Sunday.

"I heard George Bush talking about Roe v. Wade again the other day."
"Really, what did he say?"
"He said, 'Frankly, I don't care how those people get out of New Orleans.'"

So, is that, or is it not?

I think the term should mean whatever each of us wants it to mean.

Yeah, but if I were to use that same standard on faith, I would be accused of Pluralism.  I ride kind of close to that line anyway.

[trdconsult]

Jeb -

Now in that one I see it!

I guess when I see jokes about Christians (not that I mind them), I get confused.  It is always easier to make fun of ourselves, no matter what group we are in.  So when I see a light-hearted joke about Christians, or God (particularly where God has to exist for the joke to make sense), I don't get how it is an Atheist joke.  It seems to be a Christian joke to me.

But keep throwing them out there.  Pretend I'm Mike from "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Heinlein.  Don't stop until you reach 100.

__________

So here is one that pokes fun at Billy Graham.  Actually, it is Billy Graham poking fun at Billy Graham, but there is a sense of Christian-bumpkin-ness about it.

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

[Metellus]

Ok, but let me ask the question in reverse, what would a Christian joke be?  Something that pokes fun at Atheism?

I'll admit I wasn't too happy with my own definition up there, but I'm not really sure why we exactly *need* to be defining it anyhow.
Personally, I only tend to tend to judge jokes as 'funny' or 'not funny', with a subcategory in either being 'clean' or 'dirty/offensive'. Of course, that's just my way of keeping track of things, and knowing when and when not to use jokes, it doesn't have anything to do with religion.

I still stick by what I also said up there. Humor is in the eye of the beholder.

Jeb, that one is hilarious. I lol'ed.

Here's another one:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[Christian]

How dare you mock God. Burn in hell, all of you.

[Cancerfish]

.....I think someone put it more eloquently somewhere, that you can never tell the difference between biblical literalism and satire

[Jeb]

Very very funny joke Christian!